Christmas Eve Peace

There is something so sweet, so simple, and so quiet about Christmas Eve night. Once the church services have ended, new jammies have been opened and the family settles down for their “long winter nap”, there is a quiet that seems to stretch so far and wide and it’s as if the whole world settles down into a quiet space. It’s unlike any other night I have ever experienced. The stores are closed, no more opportunities to find the “perfect gift”, school programs and Christmas letters have all come to a close, and no more rushing around with baking or wrapping presents. It is the calm before the morning storm of opening up presents and playing with new toys. It is a moment right there in the midst of everything that hushes even the most hurried heart. It is the Christmas Eve peace.

Now rewind to today, 6 days and counting and I am feeling anything but peace. It was just one of those days. You know, the kind that makes you want to rock in a corner and eat all of the chocolate chips you have set aside for your holiday baking.

In an attempt to fulfill my dream of making my life a musical, I decided it would be more fun to tell you about my day in a song. Set to the tune of I Wish You A Merry Christmas.

I woke up to find our 2 bikes stolen

and even the ba-by seat is gone

oh what was I e-ven think-ing

when I didn’t put them in the garage.

 Next it was time to g-o to Cooper’s class party

and the tea-cher said to bring the ba-by

got to- the front office and they wouldn’t let us in

how sad he will be.

Got a text from insi-de the classroom

Said si-blings are al-ready in here

So I marched back into the of-fice

And still, got, denied.

Cried my wh-ole way out to my car

Thought, wow, how can this get a-ny worse

Be careful wh-at you wish for

As it’s only 11o’cock.

 

Baby refu-ses to sleep

Work calls are going unanswered

My house is a—di-saster

Why can’t I get a break

Time to distract the crying baby

She wants my k-eys to play with

At this point I am desperate

And she can have whatever she wants

It’s not until I try to take big sister

To d-ance to disco-ver

That those keys have come-- up missing

Oh boy- What is next?

Luckily the dance stu-dio

Is not far fr-om our hou-se

Enjoyed a n-ice walk in the

Beautiful weather instead.

 Had a large dose of cho-colate popcorn

Thank you Bec-ca f-or the hook up

Got a second wind and de-ci-ded

To look for the keys

Little did we kno-w that--

Keys can hide so well- in my home

Check the gar-bage even the toi-let

Finally heard the jingle in daddy’s dirty clothes.

 

 Warmed up the old left-over pizza

Then prayed for this day to be over

Lord please forgive my colorful language

And my poor attitude!

 When it’s set to a song, it really doesn’t sound as bad. I desperately need a Christmas Eve peace….right here…right now. In the midst of the madness. Quiet my spirit and help me refocus on you Lord!  

For now though, I sit and nurse a crying baby…maybe she would like some keys to distract her. Come on Christmas Eve peace, I am ready for your warm roasting!

Kelly

xoxo

 

 

Is Age Really Just a Number?

Hitting the pavement again but this time with some new kicks. Happy  Birthday to me!

 

 

 

We were watching some home videos this weekend of Christmas pasts. It was only 7 years ago, but there were 2 details that I haven’t been able to shake.

1. I looked so young! What happened in the last 9 years since having children that has aged me so much?

2. In the video, both my husband and I can be overheard saying how chaotic the morning was going. This was before all 5 grandchildren and it was just 2 young ones and 1 one newborn. For all accounts, I thought it was quiet and calm compared to the couch jumping, squealing, and screaming Christmas mornings we now embrace. Blane even zooms the camera in at one point to me rubbing my forehead saying through gritted teeth, “Can we please just turn off the video!” I laugh at that young mom now. She had no idea what real chaos would look like in a matter of years. Now fast forward….

Happy Birthday to Me…

I woke up this morning to my 6 year old kissing me on the forehead saying, “Happy Birthday Mommy. You are the best Mommy in the whole world”. It was magical, my heart swelled like the Grinch to 2x its size. I laid there thinking about maybe I hadn’t been such a bad mommy after all and what an amazing boy he was and what a great man he will one day be. Then my 9 year old daughter walks into the bedroom and kisses my forehead and says, “Happy Birthday Mommy”. My heart swells even more. Cooper then pulls her aside and a lot of heated whispering begins to take place back and forth between the two. It ended with a remark from Parker, “Oh and you’re the best Mommy ever”. Cooper proceeds to tell me that Daddy told them to tell me that but Parker had forgot. I could feel the air slowly being released from the balloon as my heart fizzled back down to size. I tried to justify that at least they were obedient and followed their Daddy’s instructions.

37. 37? 37!

I am questioning how that happened! I am now at an age that I can remember my mom being the same age. I asked her last night, “What were you doing 37 years ago today?” I was anticipating this heart felt moment of “ah, I remember when” but instead she responded, “I can’t even remember what I had for breakfast this morning”.

It’s strange to get older. I am the “baby” of the family and at times the younger one in my group of friends; therefore, I get the comment so often, “but you’re so young” and then brushed off like I am still 15. I wonder at what age do you feel like you are “old enough”. And have I missed it?’

 

I always find myself caught in between the when do I grow up and the why is it going so fast? I stare at myself in the mirror and think, “how did this happen?” Wrinkles at my eyes from smiling and laughing is understandable and even welcomed most days as it shows me the fun we have had, the deep wrinkles on my forehead in between my eyes from giving the mommy look of disapproval one too many times is most likely unavoidable. But what I was not prepared for and not one girlfriend, sister or mom warned me about…the wrinkled cleavage. Yup, that’s right. I leaned into the mirror last night while brushing my teeth and I saw someone else’s reflection when I saw the wrinkled cleavage. There was no warning, no preparation and no words of encouragement at that time. Happy Birthday to me!

 

I suppose like most things, it’s all relative. You think you may be getting older but then you look back at pictures and think, “I was so young, if only I had realized”. Same goes with every other female voice in our heads fighting for attention like you’re fat, should you be going out in that outfit, bangs…really?, maybe it’s time to color the grays, you are looking so much older, and on and on and on. In reality though, when you look back at pictures, you realize just how wrong those voices were and you think, “if only I realized I wasn’t as heavy as I thought, old as I thought, chaotic as I thought and on and on and on”.

 

It is hard to see the forest through the trees when you set up camp right in the middle of it.

 

I am sure there are those reading my blog right now that are older and you may be shaking your head and possibly giggling that I am even contemplating this at 37. For all accounts, it’s still very young unless of course, you are in your 20s and reading this blog. I have been reminded this week that age is a gift that not many people are given. I watched as a friend said goodbye to her Dad unexpectedly this week and my heart aches for her more than ever.

The following video sums it up perfectly. How do we see ourselves? Chances are it’s nowhere near as wonderful, young, and vibrant as others see and experience us. Today I choose to quiet the voices in my head and remind myself that age is just a number and one day I will wish to come back to this time of simplicity and youth. I wonder if that young mom from the video of Christmas pasts realized just how good she had it at the time and I even wonder if this 37 year old mom realizes the same truth before it’s passes her by.

Kelly

xoxo
 

If you are anything like me, you may want to grab a tissue before you watch it!

 

Days 10-14: Coming Clean

Most times around my house there is a buzz in the air. It is rare to have a quiet moment without someone talking, singing, or the most frequently heard sound in recent weeks….the sound of fighting and yelling between my 2 oldest. Chances are pretty high that if it all goes quiet, something is wrong or someone is up to no good. Same can be said for my blog. It has been too quiet these last few days with no posting. It must mean I have been up to no good.

To say I have been nursing a holiday hangover, would be putting it mildly.  You know the drill, too much food, wine, and late night fun with family. Like most things in life, I take one step forward and 10 steps back. I managed to run the Thanksgiving Day race and it was GREAT! I don’t even remember the last time I ran 4 miles and it was a feeling like none other!



I rode that high all the way to the Thanksgiving table, which spilled right into the dessert table where I had my way with anything that wasn’t nailed down.

Somehow Thursdays race turned into Friday shopping which lead to Christmas decorating on Saturday, which lead to….um, I can’t even remember the rest of the excuses. I still stand firm on the idea that it takes 14 days to create a new habit, I wonder if that still applies when you skip days 10-14?

 

Regardless, I decided to give myself a little grace and move forward, tie on my shoes, and start again. I told myself I would not be my own obstacle, not today! I started on the treadmill and within a ½ mile I increased my speed and low and behold the small tear I noticed in the belt earlier, gave way to a much bigger tear and a loud deafening sound as it lifted, folded in half, and then broke through the frame of the treadmill. You might be surprised how fast you can jump off a treadmill when you have to. I’m happy to report that no injuries happened in the process; however, the same cannot be said for the poor treadmill. Another obstacle.

 

I decided to hit the pavement. Only 2 miles, but still 2 miles. Lord knows there were plenty excuses between here and there to not go for a run today, but I knew it was more than the run for me. It was knowing that I wasn’t going to be the one to set myself up for failure. I was not going to be the one who stood in my way or told myself I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t going to be my worst enemy or obstacle, because for me, it’s more than the run, its more than a race, it’s more than the smaller pants size. It’s freedom from that which tries to hold me back and keep me prisoner from all that God wants for my life. Giving it a voice, means it can no longer hold power over us…

 

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.

Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened

again by a yoke of slavery.”

Galatians 5:1

 

Kelly

xoxo

 

Day 9: Coming Clean

We have traded running shoes & road for aprons & the kitchen floor.
 

 

 

I had good intentions to run today but the Thanksgiving day prep is in full effect around here. My “track” for running today is my kitchen floor. And to be clear,  I’m sure if I was wearing my pedometer, I could prove that I have tracked more miles racing around my house cleaning and prepping food than I would have on a run. Taking a page from yesterday’s blog, I’m letting my legs “rest” (if I can even call it that with all this prep work).

I fully believe that our biggest strength can also be our biggest weakness. For me, it’s racing. Yes, I enjoy a good road race. After all, isn’t that what this is all about lately. But it’s more than the road race. I realized something, I have been a “racer” all my life.

This idea rang very clear to me when my oldest daughter, Parker, brought home her report card this week. School has been something that for the most part has come pretty easy for her and good grades were just something that always happened. It wasn’t until our first 4^th grade marking period that I realized, Houston, we have a problem. My primarily A and a few Bs student was now the same child that brought home two Cs. It seems that my very bright child came across some difficult 4^th grade math and instead of asking for help or taking her time to work through it, she decided to race through every assignment and especially every test in order to show everyone just how good she was at this “new math”. Tests were coming home marked with poor grades and comments from the teacher urging her to slow down because she was done much earlier than the rest of the class. I get it, more than I would like to admit it.

Mr. Alexander’s Class in 8^th grade was where I was bite by the same bug for speed. I would write out the test answers so fast that my pencils practically shot out sparks. There was no match to the pride I felt running up to the desk to be the first one there. I walked away a little taller and my smile was a little bigger.

Fast forward to present day and I am still racing….racing to get to a deadline I’ve known about for 2 weeks, racing my kids to their activities, racing to get dinner on the table, racing to get a shower before the baby wakes up, racing to get kids out of bed only to race them back into bed at the end of the day. Race, race, race. Today the race is to get my house clean before my parents arrive for Thanksgiving. I am wiping down surfaces that haven’t seen a rag and cleaner in months (or dare I say years). The only thing that’s stopping me from painting my baseboards so they look cleaner is the fact that they should be pulling in within the hour. I am under some strange idea that if my house is spotless then they will realize I’ve made it, I’ve turned out well, what a good mom I am, blah, blah, blah. This is by no pressure or stress that they have placed on me; this is just another mutation of my need to race. To be good. To get it all right. But for who?

It is very rare for me to participate in something that I don’t think I’ll do well in because accompanied with that need to “race” is also the need to be the best and avoid failure…especially public failure.

I am going to combat those feelings and step out and do quite the opposite. Every year in our area they do a 4 mile Thanksgiving Day run called Race for the Pies. It is something I have always wanted to participate in; however, we are normally in Tampa with my family for Thanksgiving. This year though, we are home. My chance to finally run the race is here …but wait…remember that detail about public failure. I sit, I ponder, I chew my nails, and my stomach churns.

I had to change the record in my head. I switched my record out for the one I played for my daughter when we looked over her report card together. Do you want to look like the best or do you want to do your best and BE your best you? We cannot and will not be the first or the best at everything. What we can do is give it our all.

It seems appropriate that this would be my first race because the first 900 people that cross the finish line are given a pie. That’s right, a pie and I’m pretty sure the only 2 ways I will be able to finish that 4 miles tomorrow is if someone is chasing me with a knife or there is a pie waiting for me at the finish line! Perhaps I should pass the motivation for the pie and just be motivated by the idea of crossing the finish line….not because I finished first and was the best, but rather just because I finished.

Kelly

xoxo

 

 

 

 

Day 8: Coming Clean

LOVE those little feet. Berkley's learning the routine.
I put the paper down and she ran over immediately and put her feet on the paper.

Here we are, eight days into this journey, combined with the holiday festivities already beginning and I am T-I-R-E-D!! Today I went for it….3 miles. It sounds so good doesn’t it. I could play the Facebook card and just let it rest at that. You know that card don’t you? Everything looks perfect and like you’ve got it all together when really what it took to get that family photo or that “moment” was more like nailing Jell-O to a wall.

I’m not gonna lie, it was not very pretty today.  In fact, it was just plain ugly. My guess is that the only thing that kept me in the upright position was the jogging stroller. I walked about 90% of it and then pulled into the driveway with a run at the end.

I’m having some issues with the Map My Run app. For some reason when my phone goes into sleep mode, so does the app. Is this normal? Would love to keep track of what I’m doing but maybe this is God’s way of saying, “One step at a time my child. No need for keeping records, this isn’t a race but more like a journey. Take your time and let me continue to chisel you through this process”. Between you and me though, I’m pretty competitive (mainly with just myself) and I like to see how I can out do myself each day. Yes, I know….clink, clink, clink. I hear him hard at work in me.

The me from last week (or maybe even the me of yesterday or the me of an hour ago) would have considered today an epic failure of sorts with the run. When I separated the emotion from today’s run and looked at it from a different perspective, I realized I was my biggest enemy in this one! I was no where near equipped or prepared for my run today.

1.     I had not eaten lunch and for those that know me well, I am not a pleasant person to be around when I am HANGRY!

2.     I was running mid-day during one of the windiest days we have had compiled with a jogging stroller that acted more like a sail. I was convinced we were going to float backwards home.

3.     All 3 wheels of the jogging stroller are almost completely out of air.

4.     My feet ache with every step because the last time I bought new shoes was November 2011, just before my 1/2 marathon.

And…

5.     In an effort to combat the fact there are not enough hours in the day, I have been staying up crazy long hours in order to take a chunk out of my to-do list. Sleep is so yesterday!

I have no doubt that part of God’s work in me is to learn how to rest. I logged on to one of my favorite secret obsessions, Pinterest, and low and behold, this pin came up:

 

 

Talk about meeting me right where I am!

“So let me get this straight my child, you can’t come to me because you are too tired? You say if you read that devotional you will fall asleep? Then try this one on for size. Dive into my word. Allow me to equip you better than you have equipped yourself – not only for your run, but for life. You think that run was difficult without being equipped? Now just imagine jumping into your day without equipping yourself with me first. Wanna try it and let me know how it works for you…oh wait, isn’t that what got you here in the first place."

 

Here is one of my favs I found on the list:

Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. 

He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”

Isaiah 40:28-31

 

Kelly

xoxo

 

To read the rest of the Bible verses listed on the pin, Click Here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day 7: Coming Clean

“As you come to him, the living Stone – rejected by humans but chosen by God and precious to him – you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ…you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.”

1 Peter 2:4-5, 9

I have been thinking through yesterday’s post about labels. As much as I would love to say that I woke up renewed, refreshed and label free, I know better. I know that it is a process with no set timeline. It is something that I recognize I will have to make an intentional effort with in all areas of my life. It will affect the way I make decisions, how I speak to my kids, my relationship with my husband and even my relationships with others.

 

I have been reading Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions, by Lysa TerKeurst. I have been reminded of 2 men who were labeled by themselves and others and yet God chose to use them and pull them out of the darkness and into the light.

Saul who once persecuted Christians was renamed Paul and wrote much of the New Testament. Darkness to light. Peter denied Jesus 3 different times and later led 3000 people to dedicate their lives to Jesus and be baptized in one day. Darkness to light.

 

Just like a masterpiece sculpture takes time…days…weeks…years to complete as the artist slowly chisels away at the rock, we too need time to be chiseled, perfected, and refined.

 

“For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works,

which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

Ephesians 2:10

In an excerpt from Unglued, the author says, “Paul was God’s workmanship. Peter was God’s workmanship. We are God’s workmanship! God is chiseling us, making us new, releasing us from our hard places – those places that make us feel so stinkin’ defeated – so we can do good works. Works God has prepared for us, which means He knows best how to prepare in us the character we need to fulfill our calling. Oh that we might hear the purposeful clink of the Master’s chisel and call it grace.”

 

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith –

and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God.”

Ephesians 2:8

 

Kelly

xoxo

Day 7 Distance: 2 Miles

Day 5 & 6: Coming Clean

Check out those reflectors at night!

Day 5 Distance: 0.0

 If you logged on yesterday, all you would've heard were crickets.

 I just couldn’t get the “get up and go”.  I was overwhelmed with “all the life” that was happening around me and melted down. Not to worry though, I self-medicated with the kids Halloween candy and anything else I thought might do the trick for that moment and I could find in my pantry. I finally sat down around 10:30pm and just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

After the self-medicating, the wave of guilt washed over me and the instant feeling of, “I should’ve known better, I knew I couldn’t do this. What was I thinking? You knew you wouldn’t be able to actually be successful at this, did you? Haven’t you tried and failed before? After all, look how quickly you returned to comforting yourself through food”.

I felt defeated and yet comfortable all at the same time. This feeling of letdown has become a more comfortable normal and one I am more familiar with these days.

Today was more of yesterday. The idea of trying to fit in a run just didn’t seem like an option and I had every excuse in the book. Or so I thought. We were headed to a family birthday party, which really just kicked off not only the Thanksgiving week but also the whole holiday season. I told myself, “I already gave in last night so do I really have to run? Would it really be worth the effort? Maybe I should wave the white flag and try again after the holidays….you know, like a new year’s resolution.”

After feeling so deflated from the night before from what I had defined as “messing up”, it was easy to quickly label myself with the old familiar labels. I have said them for so long that they have become my comfort zone and my shield of protection.

 

 

 

So I went to the dinner and indulged like I expected myself to do…”after all, that’s who I am ”. At least, that’s what I told myself but that’s not who I want to be.

Kids tucked in and the clock is saying 9:15pm…do I really even try this? Isn’t there always tomorrow? I begrudgingly strapped on my tennis shoes and hit the treadmill.

How do we limit ourselves by the labels and titles we give ourselves? What is the record player that plays over and over again saying in your head? Does it hold you back?

 

 

And how do we stop the record long enough to realize that we don’t need to live in this limited prison we have created for ourselves. I don’t have 5 easy steps to follow, but I do know that I am armed with a Bible and ready for spiritual battle for this one. I am a child of God…You are a child of God. We have been created with a purpose and not to be limited by the labels that hold us captive every day.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old has gone, the new is here.”

2 Corinthians 5:17

 

I have a feeling that this running experience has a lot more to it than first meets the eye.

Kelly

xoxo