I hold my sweet new baby and my heart swells with overwhelming love. What a gift she has been and a renewing of spirit for our family. I see her big blue eyes shine and I am transported back in time to holding my first born. She could do no wrong, the nights seemed so long and each stage brought with it a new challenge. If only I knew that those challenges at the early stages were just a mere warm up for the stages that were to come later.
I lost my cool this weekend. I know that's putting it lightly Lord, especially because it was over a brush. I know, I know it seems petty but I had plenty of evidence to back my explosion, or at least so I thought in the heat of the moment.
Parker loves my brush and uses it every morning and every morning I find myself on a scavenger hunt to be able to use my own brush. My broken record begins everyday with the same tune. “Parker you are more than welcome to use my brush anytime, just return it when you are done”. This particular morning, I was tired of playing with the record player… it has played the same several messages every day for some time now. I wonder often if everyone else in the house is just as tired at hearing the same tunes played again and again. And really it’s not completely my fault because this time was different. This time she couldn’t find where she had left it, which left Mommywith no brush to get ready for the day. I think my case has been made and now the explosion is justified…right?
Yes, I know Lord, but it’s not just the brush. It’s the homework, it’s the forgetting to return the papers back to school again and again, it’s did you remember to turn your lights off before you left, did you brush your teeth, where are your shoes, don’t get out of bed again, are you sure your hair has been brushed, did you tell them thank you….
And did you see her pull away from me? I grabbed for her hand as we crossed the street to the Fall Festival and when I reached for it, it passed quickly through my hand liked trying to grasp sand as she skipped ahead of me so as to not have to hold my hand. The irony of holding one of my girls so close to my chest in the baby carrier as my other girl pulls away. “It’s just embarrassing” she said.
What about the time that she….
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly…..can you hear your own words? My broken record plays for you daily as well my child just as you are doing for your own children. I was the one tugging at your heart saying, “May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer” (Psalm 19:14) when you raised your voice and spoke such venomous words to your daughter. I was the one urging you to “Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28) and allow me to help you with the joys and the struggles of parenting. After all, I would like to think that I have become somewhat of a pro with the number of children I am raising on a daily basis.
And the hand thing….chin up. She’s showing you her independence and the good job you have done. And if you watch ever so closely, you will see her look back because she knows she doesn’t want to go too far without you by her side. And, yes there are times she says she wants to do it without you but truth is she wants you to be there waiting in the wings because she can’t imagine not having you there cheering her on. Be careful to not get too discouraged about her hand slipping through yours. There are plenty of days that your confidence gets the best of you too and you pull your hand away from mine and run ahead trying to take on the day without me. “Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me” (John 15:4).
I know it makes your heart hurt because it makes my heart hurt as well. “Don't panic. I'm with you. There's no need to fear for I'm your God. I'll give you strength. I'll help you. I'll hold you steady; keep a firm grip on you” (Isaiah 41:10, The Message). “I have raised you up for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth” (Exodus 9:16).
Point taken....Thank you Lord!
“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine,
according to his power that is at work within us” Ephesians 3:20